Anti-tough Love
Written by Rachel Naar
Imagine your coaching a young boys soccer team and one boy wanders off to play on the playground. After a minute or so you notice the boy is playing on the playground instead of practicing his passing skills. You march over and yell at him to get back into practice and to do a lap of the field to make up for it. You think to yourself “This tough love will make him better in the future” while he is thinking “I thought soccer was a fun thing but now this is scary”.
The idea of “tough love” has been a popular notion in our society for many years. We often use tough love to motivate people to overcome challenges and quickly fix situations. The concept of tough love is the belief that using harsh or strict methods can help people change their behavior for the better.
Where did this idea of "tough love" come from, and why do so many people believe it's the best way to motivate change?
Primarily, tough love comes from the historical tradition of strict discipline and punishment-based parenting and education practices. For centuries, children were expected to obey their elders without question, and any deviation from that norm was met with harsh consequences. This approach has been passed down through generations and remains a common method of disciplining children today.
The misinterpretation of the concept of "tough love" in psychology. Originally intended as a supportive and caring approach for people with addiction and behavioral issues, the idea has been distorted to mean a strict and punishing approach to behavior change.
Media representation is also influential. Reality shows, movies, and books often depict tough love as a quick fix for problems, reinforcing the idea that it is a common approach for behavior change.
Personal experiences of people who have been on the receiving end of tough love and believe it motivated them to change can also perpetuate this belief.
The influence of self-help and motivational gurus who promote tough love as a motivational tool in their books, seminars, and speeches cannot be ignored. They often present it as the only way to achieve success and personal growth.
Social pressure and cultural norms that view toughness and firmness as desirable traits and equate them with success and strength further contribute to the widespread belief in tough love.
Finally, there is a lack of understanding of alternative, research-backed approaches to behavior change and motivation, such as positive reinforcement and growth mindset. By exploring these alternatives, we can begin to question the efficacy and ethical implications of using tough love as a primary motivator for change.
Tough love is a common aspect of human relationships and can often be observed in our everyday interactions with others and in common media narratives.
The Drill Sergeant: A strict, no-nonsense authority figure who demands discipline and obedience through harsh tactics
The Strict Parent: A demanding and uncompromising caregiver who believes in using discipline and punishment to correct behavior
The No-Excuses Coach: A demanding and intense athletic coach who pushes their players to their limits to improve their performance
The Straight Shooter: A blunt and straightforward individual who doesn't sugarcoat the truth and offers tough advice for the greater good
The Tough Love Therapist: A mental health professional who uses a confrontational approach to help people confront their issues and make positive changes
The Bootstrap Guru: A motivational speaker who encourages people to take responsibility for their own lives and encourages them to "pull themselves up by their bootstraps."
The Taskmaster: A demanding boss or manager who sets high standards and holds their employees accountable to achieve success.
Tough love may seem like a quick fix for behavior change, but the truth is, it can do more harm than good. Punishment-based approaches can damage relationships and erode self-esteem, leading to a cycle of negative emotions and behaviors.
Instead, let's try taking an anti-tough love approach to helping our loved ones battle their challenges.
A anti-tough love approach to behavior change may look like:
Showing empathy: Start by trying to understand the other person's perspective and feelings. Show that you care about their well-being and are there to support them.
Focusing on positive reinforcement: Instead of criticizing or pointing out flaws, focus on what the person is doing well and offer encouragement and praise for their efforts.
Offering guidance and resources: Provide resources that can help the person make positive changes, such as information about support groups, therapy, or self-help books.
Creating a safe environment: Create a supportive and non-judgmental environment where the person feels comfortable expressing themselves and working on self-improvement.
Practicing active listening: Listen carefully to what the person is saying and try to understand their needs and concerns. Reflect back what you hear to show that you are listening and to clarify any misunderstandings.
There are many roles we can take on to exemplify anti-tough love:
The Supportive Mentor: A wise and experienced individual who guides and supports people through their challenges with empathy and understanding
Robert De Niro as Jimmy Conway in "Goodfellas"
Morgan Freeman as Ellis Boyd 'Red' Redding in "The Shawshank Redemption"
Sean Connery as Jim Malone in "The Untouchables"
The Caring Teacher: An educator who inspires and motivates students through encouragement, positive reinforcement, and a growth mindset
Miss Honey
Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"
Michelle Pfeiffer as Eleanor Lonely in "Dangerous Minds"
Richard Dreyfuss as Glenn Holland in "Mr. Holland's Opus"
The Empathetic Friend: A trusted confidant who listens and offers comfort and understanding to those in need
The Compassionate Therapist: A mental health professional who uses a non-judgmental, empathetic approach to help people work through their problems
The Kind Hearted Leader: A manager or supervisor who prioritizes the well-being and development of their team, using a supportive and empowering leadership style
The Encouraging Coach: A coach who focuses on building confidence, resilience, and teamwork through positive reinforcement and guidance
Ted Lasso
The Nurturing Parent: A parent who provides a warm and supportive environment for their children to grow and thrive.
Sally Field as Edna Spalding in "Steel Magnolias"
Diane Keaton as J.C. Wyatt in "The First Wives Club"
Steve Carell as Bryan Woodman in "The Big Short".
By taking on the anti-tough love approach we can now as the encouraging coach, approach the young boy saying “Hey here is how doing this passing drill will help, I would love for you to get involved and keep going”. Instead of approaching him with harshness and the boy doing what he's told because he's scared, we can approach him with a nurturing manner and he will listen to what you are telling him because you have fostered a positive relationship with him. When we take a moment to consider how to react we often find a better way to connect than greeting the other person with negativity. The next time you are confronted with a situation of helping someone to change their behavior, consider how greeting them with positivity, empathy, and compassion can allow them to shine and set them up for success.
Wanting to hear more about tough-love? You can watch my most recent instagram live here where Giuliana Hazelwood and I dissect tough love as a motivator for change and how to embrace a softer approach.